shitty website for shitty me. i don't even know HTML5 or CSS anymore. nevermind this shit is easy. the only reason i'm doing this is so i can have a place i know damn well nobody in my life will find. nobody in my life even knows what neocites is. maybe it's better this way; no skill or talent, just raw unfiltered pain from my mouth.

it's currently . if you have somehow stumbled upon this, enjoy the freak show.

i am the antichrist. i've known for years at this point, maybe 10 years? i've lost track of time. I have seen and spoken to several demons and spirits directly, "angels" (or what i've been calling angels, they could easily be another spirit) have been essentally harrassing me and my mind for 2 years now despite about 10 different attempted treatments for "psychotic depression". if this is psychosis, it's certainly not psychotic depression. I am not depressed and haven't been for quite some time now. I've actually been doing quite well compared to the past few years.

there's this guy i like, he's so sweet to me. the problem is i'm also a guy, and a very abnormal one at that. i like to think i am kind, i deffinetly try to be despite my mind's efforts to watch me suffer. I am not afraid of most things (i love bugs and spiders, i love the dark, etc.), but the idea of him hating me or thinking i'm gross haunts me daily. i have not told him how i feel about him, and i'm not sure if i ever will. i told him i was the antichrist, and he did not react like people normally react. he was kind and gentle to me instead of fearful and judgemental, i haven't been the same since. do i even deserve affection, let alone his? fuck, does he deserve me?

i feel so powerless and yet so powerful at the same time, like the subject of fascist propaganda! (sorry, that probably wasn't very funny.)

I slept for 20 hours, that's probably not good.

On the same "not good" note, I'm visiting my extended family for christmas and they are very religous. I don't even know why i'm going anymore; their constant jesus worship fucks with me mentally, their shitty dogs haven't been trained at all which causes them to bark constantly, i don't even celebrate christmas, and i don't even fucking like talking to any of them. my homocidal ideations get so bad there that i do not feel safe going there in anything but a straight jacket. last time I was there i had to take out my frustrations on a toad. i'm a terribly sick person and i should be hung, how grim.

I still have that toad's heart in a small bottle, i carry it with me to remind myself of how disgusting i am. have you ever watched an animal's heart stop beating in front of your eyes? do you know how the inside of a living body smells? do you know how it feels?

my hands are so cold, i should really buy some gloves with the little money i have.

i almost relapsed today. i was sewing and i was so close to just plunging the needle into my leg as hard as i could. i also didn't eat much of anything today, i had to fight myself just to eat a bowl of cereal. the doctors at the psych ward said i had an eating disorder, which i don't. it's not my fault their food was worse than dog shit. all of the food tastes like blood, but i'm not bleeding. not that i hate the taste of blood, it's actually not that bad once you get past the smell.

i wonder if he'd hurt me? i wouldn't mind. i think it'd be nice to have him put out a cigarette on my bare back just so he can tend to the wound. maybe he'd be able to hold me ever so gently while taking a razor to my thigh, or maybe he'd be okay with just punching me if he doesn't want to break my skin. (only if he wants to, of course. not forcing anything upon him here.)

what a sick fucking fantasy, fucking freak. disgusting.

i think he made a playlist about me, but i think we all know i can't trust my brain enough to not be just having another fucking delusion, "magical thinking" i think is what doctors call it. i want to ask about it so bad, but i'm terrified of overstepping some invisible boundary between us.

what would i even do if it is about me? knowing myself i'd say some stupid shit like "hahHAHHHH... RECIPROCATED...!" as if i were some kind of robot. i'm like a robot and he's still so kind to me, i don't deserve him, i wish i could fast forward to the part where he finds out how i feel about him and starts hating me because of it.

i don't think i'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.

i've started writing in my own blood. it smells horrible. my entire life smells like death. there's dead birds everywhere. i can see the maggots. there's maggots in my carpet and in my hair. cedar waxwings.

i got gloves like i said i would. they're too big for me. i'm not sure what i expected, i can never find gloves small enough for me.

i've also started learning german. it's easier than other languages i've tried to learn, which makes sense since english is a germanic language. it's been going well, suprisingly.
i've always liked the german language, it feels and sounds like wildflowers to me. it's a lovely language, it reminds me of being in the woods, or laying in a field. it makes me feel at peace with the world, in a strange way. i wish i got to hear it more often,